The day I left my newly ex-boyfriend’s house, I cried when a pedestrian yelled at me. The next day, I cried when my performance at work wasn’t what it should’ve been. I’d be lying if I said the first night I was by myself I didn’t have a pit of loneliness in my stomach. But I also kindly accepted the fact that not everyone can make their chemistry mash. I played Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now” in the shower and sang because I knew I deserved better than to let my tears and the flow of the water stream dramatically down my face. Sidenote: This is one of the best songs of all time because #1: Freddie Mercury, #2: The mention of LADY GODIVA, and #3: How could anyone’s sadness ever overshadow the punchiness of this song that makes one feel as if they can do anything?! Moving on...I held myself together out in public so I could cry a tear or two in my car sitting in the parking lot of a run-down convenience store. Getting broken up with is a new experience for me. I’d always been the one to initiate ending things until my last relationship. As with most new trials in life, they can be immensely scary. They can also be immensely rewarding in that you’re thrown head-first into a unique learning experience.
So far, I’ve learned the people you love are your best allies. Whether it was the phone call I got from my dad or the hug I got from my manager, the most comforting things in life are free. That’s how the saying goes, right? As hard as it is for me to admit that a new candle and face mask can’t fix everything, it’s really the people you surround yourself with that can make going through tough stuff less of a blow. My friends and I sang karaoke until our throats hurt and I slept on their couch until the sun streamed in their window the next morning. My other friend and I FaceTimed and bonded over connected experiences. Without them and my mom checking on me throughout the day, my crying spells would’ve lasted much longer than the few days they did.
Even though I said the whole face mask thing previously, I couldn’t forget to take care of myself. Personally, cleaning up my room was something I had been needing to do for a long time. I folded and hung clean clothes that had been in the hamper for weeks. I changed the sheets that were on my bed for an embarrassingly long time. I drank bottles and bottles of water. And okay, okay. Maybe I did a few face masks. A few tips I’ve learned along the way with dealing with my anxiety for years is that you’re either one of two people. You either binge eat when you are anxious/sad or you go without eating. I’m the latter. If you find you do the same, I highly recommend smoothies. If you’re in Raleigh, go to JuiceKeys and get a smoothie bowl. It’s an easy way to pack in calories and nutrients without having to think too hard. Also, drink water. If you can’t get down regular, try adding flavor packets. The Propel ones are my favorite because they taste delicious and help calm me down. I dilute mine so my sodium intake isn’t too high. And don’t forget to sleep! But don’t sleep too much. I completely know what it’s like to take a depression nap, but life is about balance.
While all this has taken effort, nothing has been harder than working everything out in my head. Mostly, I’ve taken to writing. If I can get something out and be proud of it or laugh at something that required wit, then my efforts have paid off. My laptop or a pen and paper aren’t always available, though, and in those times, my mind can go in a million different directions. At the end of the day, though, I came to one conclusion. I’m proud of who I became through my ended relationship. I learned to communicate better, have a better attitude, and treat people with more kindness. I don’t regret the relationship just because it hurt for a while in the end. I rejoice in the laughter and giddy feelings it produced. I had a movie partner on Saturday nights and someone to teach me new things about cooking different meals than the ones I grew up on. Thankfully, I’ve always been someone who didn’t have too much pride to go to the movies by themselves and YouTube will always be there for recipes and ideas. By no means am I saying I’m not open to new relationships in the future, but I’ll no longer be counting and waiting on a movie partner either. Are there still lonely times? Of course, but there are lonely times in relationships too. For right now, I must be enough and I’m learning to accept that I am. I got broken up with during exam week and didn’t have a mental breakdown. I’m learning to believe a bad day on Lexapro is still better than a good day off this magical medicine I’ve been gifted with a prescription for. For the first time in my life, I feel strong. I can conquer my thoughts and turn them into something meaningful. I’m proving that by what you just read.