A whole new year is less than a month away and with that comes the impending New Year’s resolutions. I believe to go forward and make new goals requires you to reflect on the past. In the spirit of reflecting, my last New Year’s Eve plans were ruined by a full-blown panic attack. Without going into too much detail, that means crying, shaking, and eventually throwing up. This was a cycle repeated over and over throughout 2017. I actually remember doing the same thing in third grade when I was about to take my first state-mandated year-end exams. Needless to say, anxiety has been in my life for a while. On New Year’s Day of 2018, I committed to making changes to my life in the upcoming year that would lead to a healthier outlook on myself, other people, and life itself. I began with mindfulness and meditation techniques through Headspace and began fixing my sleep schedule as well. A few months went by and I was still feeling the pangs of anxiety and depression in my daily life. I decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist and actually take their advice--I’d previously had three doctors recommend medication and filled two prescriptions even though I never took any of the pills. I left the psychiatrist appointment with a low dosage prescription of Lexapro and started taking it the next day. After a few weeks, I started to notice how getting up in the morning wasn’t as much of a chore as it had once been. I began thinking before I spoke and wanting to make sure people knew how much I cared for them. Lexapro changed my thought process and made me a better person because of it. My trust in my psychiatrist has grown throughout the months and ultimately led to my trust in things that I don’t have explicit control over. Since I’m a Virgo, not being in control is a great fear of mine. Ironically, I feel more in control of myself and my emotions than I ever have before.
This has also lead to more self-respect and self-worth. I now see myself beyond the shaky hands and uncontrollable thoughts. I know I have a commendable work ethic, intense moral compass, and patience for people so they can become their best. Meanwhile, self-worth is also knowing when to walk away, when to pray for someone, and when to recognize it’s not your responsibility to fix or change someone. I know now what I have to offer and I’m willing to give second chances, but not to be walked on. Because I’ve been working in retail in the cosmetics sphere for the past ten months, my skin is thicker than ever before. I don’t want to kill anyone with my kindness. I just want to be kind for the sake of being kind. I want to be an example for these types of actions because on my bad days, there were friends, family members, and strangers who showered me with the security that there’s usually someone willing to lend a helping hand. I want to be someone who can pay that forward.
This year has brought more love, laughter, and clarity than all my past years combined. My mind can’t help but think and wonder about those out there who feel like I felt for the six years of my life anxiety and depression ripped away. If you’re reading this and you’re currently going through a time of sadness, uncertainty, pain, and hopelessness, my best advice is just to trust. Trust the people around you wanting to help. If no one is trying to help, reach out to me and I’ll do the best I can. Trust that things will be different one day. Trust that a metaphorical sun is going to come out soon and melt the worry eventually. Trust that someone out there is praying and hoping for your success.
Going into the next year, I want to remain immensely thankful for rising through the ashes and hope for the same in the lives of others. I challenge whoever is reading to make the changes they think are necessary to improve their happiness and, overall, their quality of life. Whether your goals are to be healthier in mind, body or both, get into college, treat your friends better, or whatever your case may be, just know I’m here rooting for you. If you were here for me in any capacity throughout the last couple of years, I want to say thank you. You’ve inspired me and encouraged me throughout dark thoughts and crushing lows. You’ve also been there to celebrate my newfound joy and exciting highs. To say I’m thankful would be an understatement. Here’s to 2019.